Growing up there were two types of moms: the saintly ones that only bought good-for-you cereal and the other kind that had chosen a slippery slope to Hell and allowed her children to eat sugar cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you had the former then stay tuned—it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. If you had the latter then flip to a grow article or something, you’ve already been spoiled rotten.
After careful consideration and much research, a decision was rendered: sugar cereal is by far the no-holds-barred winner in the munchies category. Working our way through the major players (“Magically delicious” Lucky Charms, “I vant to eat your cereal” Count Chocula, and “Can’t get enough of that Sugar Crisp”) staff Guinea pigs settled on Froot Loops as the ultimate combination of sugar, colour and fun.
Fill a bowl full of colourful Froot Loops—now try to tell one flavour from another. (Your mouth will be raw and your cavities ringing before you draw any scientific conclusions.) They’re crunchy, they’re sweet, hey, they even have vitamins… that makes them good for you, right? Eat them straight from the box (a dead give-away you’re baked) or douse them in milk to create the ultimate elixir of the gods—that’s right, we’re talking about that puddle of sweet milk left in your bowl after you’ve scooped out the last floating ring. Raise it up, say a prayer of thanks and drink it down. The beauty of Froot Loops is they don’t put too much pressure on you—the makers can’t even spell “fruit”—so we’re looking way intelligent sitting here stuffing our faces full of misspelled breakfast cereal. Pass the bong and pass the box of Froot Loops, will ya!
Froot Loops + string licorice = Cool jewellery you can eat!
First appeared in Heads Magazine, Vol.5 Issue 02