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    Munchies

    Munchie of the Month: Stoned Wheat Thins

    Munchie of the Month: Stoned Wheat Thins

    They’re baked but are they really stoned?

     

     

    It’s 2 am. You and your follow drug buddies have put the Playstation controllers down and have decided to venture out of the Batcave in search of munchies. You find yourself aimlessly roaming the aisles of the all-night grocery store. You’re squinty-eyed, reeking of weed and seriously fucked up—the last extra-deep bong hit sent you into the next stratosphere of stoniness. Out from the safety of your crib, you’re paranoid and can’t trust—let alone communicate with—anyone except your mates who are in an equally bewildered state of highness. The fluorescent lights are buzzing hard, a Musak version of Kiss’ Beth is playing on the PA and that keener stock boy at the end of the snack and candy aisle is onto you. You’re on a mission: Get in, get the goods and get out without drawing too much unwanted attention to yourselves.

     

    You’re on a mission: Get in, get the goods and get out without drawing too much unwanted attention to yourselves.

     

    “Whoa… what’s this? Stoned Wheat Thins? Hello!”

    “Dude, check this out. These crackers are called STONED Wheat Thins. How cool is that?”

    “Man, my grams eats those with her tea.”

    “No, seriously! Why would you call them ‘STONED’ Wheat Thins?”

    “Maybe they get you stoned.”

    “Maybe ‘Stoned Wheat’ is code for weed.”

    “That would be sweet!”

    “Maybe the guys who make these are, like, stoned when they make them.”

    “Yeah, like those Keebler elf guys.”

    “Maaaaan, those little guys are just plain creepy. I don’t want those little pudgy elf fingers touchin’ my chow!”

    “Maybe, but how cool would it be to live in a killer tree house smokin’ weed and makin’ cookies all day?”

    “True. And those little elf chicks are kind of hot.”

    “Dude! There’s no elf chicks. You need help, bro!”

    “Oh shit!”

    “What?”

    “We’ve been staring at this pack of crackers for, like, forever, Stock Boy has probably called 9-1-1!”

    “We gotta go! Grab that thing and let’s get outta here.”

     

    Gourmet version:

    Stoned Wheat Thins + Tabasco sardines = Spanish bliss!

    Munchie of the Month: Pop-tarts

    Munchie of the Month: Pop-tarts

    Filled, frosted and ready to go!

     

    “Omigod! This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten!”

     

    When you’re flying high just about everything is “the best thing ever” but let’s be real, Pop-tarts hold a special place in the hearts of all stoners. There ain’t nothing about them we would change. When the motto is “filled, frosted and ready to go” you know you’ve stumbled upon a winning formula. Once you’ve freed them from their NASA Mylar packaging, you’re faced with your only stoner hurdle: to toast or not to toast? Don’t wander in the wasteland of indecision—you’ve got five more in the box so you can experiment or set up a little hot and cold Pop-tart buffet.

     

    When the motto is “filled, frosted and ready to go” you know you’ve stumbled upon a winning formula.

     

    Assuming you own a toaster (a.k.a. the default oversized lighter you use when you’ve run out of matches or misplaced your Zippo, again!), toasting is the way to go. Keep an eye on the prize; you don’t want it to go up in flames. A plunge in the toaster brings out the flavour and adds an element of crispness to your personal pastry, and why deny yourself the stoned pleasure of the Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Do not ignore the warning on the box—it’s there for a reason. The filling can get mighty hot and the last thing you want is a trip to emergency because you’ve barbecued your tongue beyond recognition. Take it slow and enjoy. Now say it with me boys and girls: filled, frosted and ready to go!

     

    Gourmet version:

    2 Pop-tarts + ice cream = Pop-tart ice cream sandwich

    First appeared in Heads Magazine, Vol.5 Issue 04

    Munchie of the Month: Froot Loops

    Munchie of the Month: Froot Loops

    Growing up there were two types of moms: the saintly ones that only bought good-for-you cereal and the other kind that had chosen a slippery slope to Hell and allowed her children to eat sugar cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you had the former then stay tuned—it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. If you had the latter then flip to a grow article or something, you’ve already been spoiled rotten.

    After careful consideration and much research, a decision was rendered: sugar cereal is by far the no-holds-barred winner in the munchies category. Working our way through the major players (“Magically delicious” Lucky Charms, “I vant to eat your cereal” Count Chocula, and “Can’t get enough of that Sugar Crisp”) staff Guinea pigs settled on Froot Loops as the ultimate combination of sugar, colour and fun.

    Fill a bowl full of colourful Froot Loops—now try to tell one flavour from another. (Your mouth will be raw and your cavities ringing before you draw any scientific conclusions.) They’re crunchy, they’re sweet, hey, they even have vitamins… that makes them good for you, right? Eat them straight from the box (a dead give-away you’re baked) or douse them in milk to create the ultimate elixir of the gods—that’s right, we’re talking about that puddle of sweet milk left in your bowl after you’ve scooped out the last floating ring. Raise it up, say a prayer of thanks and drink it down. The beauty of Froot Loops is they don’t put too much pressure on you—the makers can’t even spell “fruit”—so we’re looking way intelligent sitting here stuffing our faces full of misspelled breakfast cereal. Pass the bong and pass the box of Froot Loops, will ya!

     

    Gourmet version:

    Froot Loops + string licorice = Cool jewellery you can eat!

    First appeared in Heads Magazine, Vol.5 Issue 02

    Munchie of the Month: Mean Macaroni. Kraft Dinner.

    Munchie of the Month: Mean Macaroni. Kraft Dinner.

    With the launch of our Munchie of the Month column, the first munchie to be featured had to be the Grand Dame of Dinner. You guessed it—Kraft Dinner.

    Let’s face it, no other savoury snack fits the bill quite like good ol’ KD. It’s not the fastest munchie choice, admittedly—and it can feel like freaky forever watching the water boil and the little macaronis doing pirouettes when you are stoned out of your gourd—but KD actually makes you feel like you are actually, well, cooking something (don’t be fooled by the microwave version, it is but a ghost of the original).

    True Kraft Dinner always delivers when you need it most. Somewhere in its list of ingredients—lost between microbial enzymes (yummy!) and lipase (whose ass?)—is the magical ingredient that takes away the spins when you’ve mixed one too many kinds of alcohol and returns your feet to the ground when you’ve overindulged in some trippy herb. With a belly full of KD, you’re ready to party on or just go nighty-night if the lure of your pillow is too strong.

    No need to describe it to you—we’re all familiar with the day glow “cheese” powder. Dress it up with ketchup should you choose but don’t mess with it much beyond this. It is cheesy perfection! And stick with the real deal. There may be imitators but Kraft makes a mean macaroni, unless, of course, you are still trying to save the planet while saving your sorry drunken, stoned ass (Aha! It was your ass all along), in which case you can always opt for an organic knockoff.

     

    Gourmet version:

    KD + canned peas = Heaven on Earth!

     

    First appeared in Heads Magazine, Vol.5 Issue 01