They're funny because they're us
Love 'em or hate 'em, stoner stereotypes have defined the culture. We’ve all known one, and some of us may have even been one in a not-too-distant past, the Earth Mama, the Radical, the White Rasta, the B-boy, the Dude or the Frat Boy. It’s okay to have a laugh especially when we’re making fun of ourselves.
The Earth Mama
Might be really hot, and into free love. Either way, she’s easy, and identifiable from the telltale hippie scent that emanates from her inevitably hairy armpits (this particular odour is made up of a blend of herbal deodorant that—surprise, surprise—doesn’t work too well, and of course patchouli). She wears lotsa hemp and flowery sundresses (probably no undies so pay attention when she does cartwheels, or gets herself into a real frenzy spinning like a whirling dervish). Good possibility that she’s renamed herself, rejecting the tag thrust upon her by mom and dad in favour of something that more appropriately describes her spirit, such as Karmafield or Starburst. Regularly stoned off other people’s pot, she plays acoustic folk tunes inspired by her inner child that make us all wonder if maybe her inner child should have taken more lessons.
Pastimes: Braiding hair, Astrology, Looking for a Miracle
Sounds: Sarah McLachlan, Grateful Dead, Joni Mitchell
Eats: Granola, Hemp, Ben & Jerry Peace Pops
Says: “Wow! You have a beautiful aura.”
Earth Mama Hall of Fame: Phoebe from Friends, Eddie Brickell, Janice from The Muppets
This guy has a bunch of really brilliant ideas about how to fix the world’s problems and most of them involve having all world leaders smoke pot. He argues that if they just mellow out, man, then they, like, wouldn’t keep, like, doing animal testing in Bosnia, and, like, force people to work and pay tax and stuff. This guy loves Che Guevara, especially in those days where he was the badass junkie-manager for the MC5 and leader of the White Panther party. He tries desperately to organize protests at the local university, but keeps getting ejected by the campus security guards, because he’s too stoned to find his student ID card and prove that he’s not just some fucked up kid out on a day pass from the loony bin. The Radical tries in vain to get a group of like-minded revolutionaries to help him boycott McDonalds for righteous political purposes, but every time he brings up the idea, the subject changes to “How fuckin’outtasite it would be if we had some McNuggets right now!”
Pastimes: Protests, Rallies, Public disobedience
Sounds: Rage Against the Machine, Dead Prez, Ozomatli
Eats: Caffeine and Nicotine
Says: “We’re gonna stick it to the man!”
Radical Hall of Fame: Patty Hearst, Thomas Forçade
The White Rasta AKA “The Whasta”
Now, the White Rasta, of course, would have you believe that she’s in this whole thing for the love of Jah Rastafari, and she’s always willing to explain the philosophy and history of Rastafari. According to the White Rasta, the movement can be traced back to the time when Halie Sellasse first demonstrated to Bob Marley the proper method for rolling a spliff. Truth is, she once heard that Rastas can smoke da herb legally since it is an integral part of their religious philosophy, so she figures, Hey, if Babylon ever show up and try to bust me, I’ll scream religious persecution! Bambaclat! Let’s hope for her own personal safety that if she ever does make it to Jamaica, she doesn’t set foot outside of Club Med. She wears a Peter Tosh T-shirt to emphasize that she knows of another figure in the entirety of Jamaican culture other than Marley.
Pastimes: Drumming, Hair twisting, Growing the sacred herb
Sounds: Reggae, Dub and Dancehall
Eats: Ital, Jamaican patties, Jerk chicken
Says: “Jah people, we are one.”
Whasta Hall of Fame: Soma, Drexl Spivey from True Romance, the albino twins from The Matrix Reloaded
The B-Boy is very difficult to understand as he employs an ever-evolving vernacular incorporating the newest slang and wordplay to communicate the simplest of ideas. His threads, while a few sizes too large, are covered in pot leaf designs, and do a good job of outwardly expressing his love of da herb. While the ingestion of marijuana might put most people in a more relaxed state, the B-Boy is not susceptible to this most adverse side effect—quite the opposite, puffin’ root keeps him in a state of heightened readiness, and he can quickly anticipate incidents that will require his situational awareness and coordinated actions. These incidents include but are not limited to: being cut off by another driver on the road, disagreements over the merits of hip-hop artists, and people stepping on his new sneakers.
Pastimes: Graffiti, Spinnin’ and Getting jiggy
Sounds: NWA, The Beatnuts
Eats: Anything that can be supersized at the finest fast food joints
Says: “Yo-Yo” and “Bling-Bling”
B-Boy Hall of Fame: Vanilla Ice, Flavor Flave
The dude says “dude” quite a lot, because it means so many different things, like “I’m really glad you just rolled that huge joint” or “How could you accuse me of hitting on your girlfriend, we’ve been pals since we were ten years old?” He flirts with veganism, digs Phish, loves the ladies and the ladies love him. He’ll smoke anything, anytime, any place, and, although he seems like he can surf, he doesn’t really have good enough motor skills. He’s usually standing on a slant, just kinda groovin’, wearing sandals on his blackened crusty feet. He often sports shades, but when you see his eyes, you can detect years of damage from staring at a 3-D poster of Jimi Hendrix in his basement. He still lives with his parents, but it’s cool, ‘cause they never come down to the basement.
Pastimes: Surf, Skate, Snow
Sounds: Phish, Long Beach Dub Allstars
Eats: Taco Bell, Count Chocola cereal, Poptarts
Says: “Dude” “Stoked” and “Bro”
Dude Hall of Fame: Jeff Spicoli, Pauly Shore, Keanu Reeves
Beer is his drug of choice, but he loves weed because when girls smoke it after they’ve been drinking it transforms him into an intellectual super star. Never without his buddies, him and his buds use buds to get in that special zone where you can excel at important things like video games, beating up nerds, or thinking of awesome ways to break things. While the Frat Boy is willing to smoke from anything, he prefers turning the act of getting high into some kind of competitive game that will result in the loser throwing up all night or being sent to the hospital for detoxification.
Sounds: AC/DC in public and The Smiths in private
Eats: Beer, KD, Pizza
Says: “Booya” and “Food Fight”
Frat Boy Hall of Fame: Bluto Blutarsky, The Alpha Beta jocks from Revenge of the Nerds