How to not look stoned in the cubicle Jungle

Disclaimer: The following article is for entertainment purposes only. Smoking weed at the office is never a good idea unless, of course, you’re a cannabis sommelier and it’s your job to smoke weed at work. The strategies listed below, although generally useful for functional potheads, should never be used to mask office cannabis consumption. In short, don’t be an idiot!

Do you find yourself sitting in your cubicle at the office, counting the seconds ‘til you can get home and spark up a rehumanizing spliff? Are you tempted to light one up on your lunch break, but worried that your unreasonable, abstemious boss will sack your hide for being high on the job? Well leave the worrying to others, and bring your weed to work, because here are six infallible ways to partake in the pleasures of pot at the office, without letting anyone onto the fact that you’re completely wrecked off your ass.

Excelerate your breath!

In case you haven’t noticed, weed stinks. A lot! If you’ve ever driven on a country road near a place where a skunk has sprayed and turned to your friend and brilliantly remarked, “Hey, it smells like weed, man!” then you know what I’m on about. And until some freaky nerd living in his parents’ basement comes up with a formula for odourless weed, smell shall continue to be one of the biggest obstacles in not seeming stoned. Who knows, your tight-assed co-worker might smell the sacred aroma of ganja escaping from your lips and think you are some kind of drug-headed loser. So brushing your teeth or chewing some gum after consuming will take you a long way towards seeming not stoned. Wash your hands with soap and water after lighting up. But be careful of washing your hands too much in a day—you will succeed in hiding your stoned-ness, but people may start to think you’re a little bit obsessive-compulsive.

If you can’t keep your head in the conversation for too long, try to pick up on key words, like “Yes,” “No,” “Why are you staring at me?” or “Can you please get out of my cubicle?” 

React appropriately to things

Nothing will give away your high-ness as much as laughing hysterically like a caged bird after your co-worker asks you if you’ve seen her coffee mug, or crying like a kindergartener about how you miss your deceased grandpa after you hear a great joke about an old man, a duck, a German podiatrist, and nail clippers. Awkward silences happen, but try not to break them with your high-pitched squealing imitation of a seal copulating with a defecating monkey. Really concentrate and focus on what the other person is saying to you, instead of counting the freckles on the inside of their nostrils. If you can’t keep your head in the conversation for too long, try to pick up on key words, like “Yes,” “No,” “Why are you staring at me?” or “Can you please get out of my cubicle?”

Eye, eye captain!

“Why are your eyes so red, Anderson?” “I don’t know, Boss, allergies, I’m tired, I’m dying, leave me alone.” Starin’ someone right in the face with your eyes so red they’re practically bleeding is a sure-fire way to show you’re stoned. Shades are a good way of hiding those bloodshot peepers—a good way, that is, if you’re in the park on a sunny day, in which case you’re probably surrounded by people who care more about pulling off a killer hack trick or pounding their bongo into a monotonous state of coma than the fact that you’re baked. Eye drops work well, but putting drops into your own eyes is about as easy as filling your own cavities. If all else fails, just try not looking people in the eye. That way they won’t care about whether your stoned or not, they’ll just think you’re really socially awkward and leave you alone. 

Low cheeseburger diet

Unless you’re about to go on maternity leave, ordering pizzas to your desk at 2:00 p.m. after you’ve just had lunch is a good way to let the office know you’re high. Try to limit your munchies to normally accepted human eating hours like lunch, dinner—all those socially restrictive times that have been set aside to control the masses and keep everyone following the same artificial rhythm, man! Avoid running through the office with starved, bulging eyes, licking the crumbs off people’s laps, sticking your head in garbage cans looking for a discarded Twinkie, and dipping urinal cakes into the year-old hummus in the fridge. Keep emergency snacks handy: a granola bar, veggie wrap, all-natural, sugar-free, organic wafers, cinnamon rice cake, or any such small, easily concealed, low-carb, protein-rich, conventionally trendy booster.  

Get drunk!

There’s no real way to hide the fact that you’re drunk, and what better way to hide the fact that you’re stoned! No one will be able to notice that you smoked a joint after you’ve had 12 beers. Falling over desks and tables, reeking of Sambuka, screaming and rambling like an idiot about how you’re one true soul mate was your grade 2 teacher, puking in wastebaskets, and ordering liquid cocaine shots from the janitor are definitely not the behaviour of a pothead. Sure, your alcohol-loosened lips might let everyone in the office know about that wet dream you had last night about a certain co-worker of the same sex, but hey, they can’t fire you for homosexuality anymore. Alcohol is also legal, which makes it more okay in the eyes of the masses—take advantage of this loophole in the law! Cheers!

There’s no real way to hide the fact that you’re drunk, and what better way to hide the fact that you’re stoned! No one will be able to notice that you smoked a joint after you’ve had 12 beers.

Heads up!

No matter how clean-cut your hair, how well-ironed your shirt, how sweet smelling your breath, if you’re sitting in the corner of the room, in a sub-catatonic state, mumbling to yourself about how good the music that isn’t playing is, yelling at the computer screen to stop staring at you, colour-coding the contents of your desk while smiling at your co-worker in the cubicle next to you, crying about how your cousin wouldn’t let you play with her hamster when you were eight, seeing how far your snot can run down your face until it falls off, or spending the entire afternoon stuffing as many staples as you can into your bellybutton, people will guess that you are stoned. So be normal, speak at a reasonable tone and pace, drink out of your mouth and shit out of your ass, and for fuck’s sake, don’t mention weed, man!

Illustrations: Stu Helm